Time for an iffy subject.

Religion. UGH. I hate thinking about it.

It's not that I don't have one, and it's not that I'm not happy with it. It's that my father has recently found Christ (happy for him!). Because part of Christianity includes the belief that if you don't believe in it, you're going to Hell. Great marketing scheme, but terrible for acceptance of other beliefs.

Okay, time to take a step back.

During college I did a little private self-exploration. I found a religion I believe in; or rather, I found the name for the beliefs I've always had. And a lot of this religion has to do with accepting that other people will have their own beliefs, and that what they believe is right for them. There isn't one path to happiness, or Heaven, or Nirvana, or what-have-you. (For introducing me to Unitarian Universalism, I must thank Tricia Bear.) This is what I have always believed. I am very happy with it.

Well, during this same time, my dad has joined a church with his new wife that they're both extremely happy with. He recently went to Kenya on a mission trip to build some new churches and create new converts (not something I completely agree with, but whatever). He came back a changed man. I'm really happy for him, because he's really happy. But I went to visit him over the weekend, and we were running some errands and we stopped at Hastings. And I said, "What are we stopping here for?" To which he replied, "I'm going to buy you a Bible."

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait... What? Yes. He bought me a Bible. I have such mixed feelings about it that I have trouble getting into it. I'm pleased that he wants to share something in his life that has made him so happy. I'm frustrated because religion is something you need to find on your own. I'm disappointed because I thought I had made it clear to him what I believe in. So I wrestle my thoughts together, and come to my own decision: I'll take the Bible. I'll read some of it so I know the stories, and so I can say, "The Bible says this, and I can't believe in that." And then he comes out with a Life Application Studies Bible... which, if you don't know what that is, is a small group of people who translate it for the average reader. I.e., NOT what the Bible actually says, but someone else's interpretation of it.

Here's what it all boils down to for me: if I'm going to read the Bible, I want to read the text in the truest form I am able. I want to interpret it for myself. So I gave myself... a huge challenge. I'm going to read parts of the Bible. The first five books of the Old Testament, some of the New Testament... and then I'm going to read the Qu'ran. And the Dhammapada. And the Bhagavad-gita. If I'm going to educate myself on one religion, why not educate myself on others?

And I'm happy to report that I have a support system in my friend Tommy. Because he understands all of these mixed feelings I have, because this is a battle he's had with his family for much of his adult life.

So... there's that.

Well. There's that.

So last week I went down to Kansas again for a camping trip that I'd been planning for quite some time now. It was awesome. Very relaxing, very beautiful, exactly what I needed.

And remember how in my last blog, I explained that I was getting a TON of hours at work, so I stopped looking for a second job? Well, that blew up in my face this week. I don't know what's going on, but I was scheduled for a mere 19 hours this week. So. There's that. I'm hoping I only got these measly hours because I just got back from vacation and they want me to get back in the swing of things... but we'll see. If next week's schedule looks as terrible as this week's, I'll be talking to my boss about it. Because I can't save up to move (which, admittedly, no one at work knows about yet), pay my bills, make payments towards my loans, AND live like a human being if I'm not getting more hours. I kind of can't help but feel like I'm being punished for something, but I don't know what that would be. Except traveling. But that would be stupid, because even with all my traveling I still made employee of the month. So... what's the problem?

Hopefully this is a one-time thing and I'll get a ton of hours from now on.

In other news, it's just going to be me and Emily living together in KC, which I am still A-OK with. I'm just happy to be living with her. We've both been looking around online, we're going to get together this summer and do some real, physical apartment-hunting. A lot of stuff near the Plaza is really affordable (NICE!), but I'm happy with whatever.

Not much else is new. Lady Gaga's new album is pretty stellar. Definitely her best one so far. Um... that's it.

I probably shouldn't be blogging right now.

I actually have to be up fairly early so I can enjoy at least part of my day. You see, as soon as I started looking for a second job, my boss decided to give me an ass-ton of hours. Which is GREAT... except it means a bunch of 9-hour shifts. Which are awful. I mean absolutely awful. It's not like a 9-hour shift in the costume shop over Summer Theatre, where you're sitting and chatting and sewing and listening to good music... No, this kind of 9-hour shift kills me. Catty customers, stupid customers, messy customers who bring their BABIES (we have silk dresses, people. They are not cheap.) It especially kills my back, though. And it's been crying for the past two days anyway. And I have a 9-hour tomorrow, and then another one on Sunday. (Mother's Day, of course, because why would anyone want to spend Mother's Day with their mom, anyway?)

But enough complaining. I'm getting hours, and I could use the money.

In other news, I have a small window of light peering through this dark tunnel of mine. (Yes. I am aware that that sounded emo. It was unintentional, but isn't it cool imagery in your brain? You're welcome, dear reader.) I went to Emporia last weekend to see their final show. Financially it was maybe not my best idea, but there are zero regrets here. I've figured some things out, and I talked to Jim (Bartruff) which I neeeeeeeeeeeeded, soooooooooooo bad. I told him I was thinking about moving to KC, and he told me these following words, "This is just me. But the year I decided to move to Kansas City was the year my entire career turned around."

It's kind of hard not to want to move when someone you respect and has such a world of experience says something like that to you. In addition, he listed off a whole slew of theatres he's worked with and has had contact with, to which he would be willing to recommend me, and reminded me that should I ever, ever need a reference I should not hesitate to list him. If that ain't encouragement, I don't know what is, and believe me, I needed that. Theresa also offered her assistance in the few minutes I got to talk to her, also stating that she has contact with some companies there, and that I should use her as a reference, and that she would say, "Yes! Hire her! She's good!" (Her words, not mine!)

Another part of this small window of hope would be the greatest joy: my possible future roommates. You see, I mentioned to Emily Warren that I wanted to move to KC and she pipes up, "Josh and I are planning on moving to Kansas City!" Now, I knew this already. But I assumed they would be living together. Nope. She continues, "Want to be my roommate?" She and Josh have decided (wisely, I think) that they aren't ready for the move-in-together step just yet, and her brother Dave is thinking about moving with her. Uh, does anyone see a problem here? Because I sure don't. I like Dave. I LOOOVE Emily. Three roommates = lower rent. This feels like a no-brainer.

The hard part is getting everything together... and soon. Because I told Joel if I don't move to KC then I'd move in with him, and although he's not acting on it, I think he's assuming I'm still going to live here because he wants to introduce me to a friend of his. I don't think friends introduce each other for anything but an actual serious relationship possibility.

It's a lot. And honestly, if I can't live with Emily I'm not sure I can move down there. But damn. Doesn't this all sound great?!

I'm back!

It's been over a month now since I last updated, hoo boy!

So I'm still not sure where I'm going to end up living, but I have a few more solid ideas in mind right now. My coworker/friend Joel needs a roommate, so should I end up staying in Omaha, I won't have to live with my mom anymore. I'm also looking at apartments in Kansas City, which look extremely appealing because there's a LOT MORE THEATRE there. I mean, a lot. Because there's really not much here.

I'm also looking for another job (not a replacement job, just a second job), and I'm going to stop in a tuxedo shop tomorrow. They've had a Now Hiring sign up for weeks now, and it's in the same mall as BR (which would be extremely, extremely convenient for me), and I think they'd be relieved to have me. I'd be relieved to work for them, it's a pretty low-key environment which is something I'd really like.

Also in this week's news...
I returned from my fourth trip to NYC on Thursday morning. It was the most impromptu trip I've ever taken (seriously, two weeks notice beforehand), and it was really a stroke of luck, timing-wise, that I got to go, since I was able to officially sell my old Suzuki to my cousin since we have the title now. It didn't give me much money, but it was enough to have fun in my favorite future home!

I got to see some amazing shows there, too. I mean, blow-your-mind fantastic kind of shows. Bengal Tiger at the Baghdad Zoo was an experience, to say the least. Robin Williams gave me goosebumps, and it's an important show to see, and I'm so glad I saw it. And Billy Elliott.... well, shit. I cried three times. THREE TIMES. I almost died when they did a piece from Swan Lake, it was just so beautiful. And then How to Succeed In Business Without Really Trying was so much fun! Hilarious show, it had the best entrance I think you could ever have (Daniel Radcliffe was lifted out of the orchestra pit by a window-washer's roped swing), and oh, did I mention that I met freaking DANIEL RADCLIFFE? And I had been sitting in the front row and he recognized me, and it was nice.

Side note: I'm glad I met him when I did because I've sobered up a LOT about how I approach actors when I meet them. I no longer see them as icons (with the slight exception of RDJ), I see them as people just like me. People who are no better than I am, and I treat them that way now, and I honestly think he really appreciated that. (He certainly stopped to talk to me longer than anyone else, I noticed.)

But back to shows. The best one I saw, hands fucking down, was Anything Goes. I know, I was surprised, too! Seriously, it was so good I repeated it. I've NEVER repeated a Broadway show (on Broadway, anyway), but I had to. Sutton Foster had a presence that seriously commanded the entire theatre, and the Tony is hers. It's just hers, she was absolutely brilliant. And seeing Joel Grey was a treasure, to say the least, because he was just SO precious, and was a completely different Moonface Martin than I've ever seen, or expected to see. The cast was completely cohesive, there was an amazing amount of chemistry between all of the principles (unlike How to Succeed; there wasn't much chemistry between Rosemary and Finch, which was my only problem with that show), and it was just... a great night at the theatre.

This trip to NYC was exactly what I needed, too. Seeing how all of these different actors work gave me a lot of ideas for my own technique, and I decided that even though I'm not doing any theatre right now, that's no excuse for me not to hone my talent. I don't have to be completely out of practice for the next time I'm in a show, so I am going to read more books about acting (something I never even really did in college) and read more plays, because I haven't done as much of that as I would like since I moved back.

So I'm still just as uncertain as I was in my last post, but I'm much more optimistic. (And I'm also completely over not being in Summer Theatre, which is very nice.)

The highs and the low, low, lows.

So this week has been very interesting. I don't feel comfortable talking about some of it (don't worry, I'm not keeping anything juicy to myself). But here's the gist:

I've been realizing how unhappy I am lately. The kind of unhappy where if I think about how unhappy I am I get kind of emotional, so I always decide to pick myself back up by running, or playing with the dog, or my personal favorite activity: trying to plan out what I'm going to do in the near future because I literally have no clue what I'm going to do or where I'm going to go or when I can freaking get out of here.

I went down to Emporia a couple weekends ago, and Ryan successfully persuaded me to talk to Jim about doing Summer Theatre. At first I thought, "Yeah, it would be cool to go back for the summer, but it would probably set me back too much." And then I thought some more about it. You know, I haven't been able to do any theatre since I got up here. I still haven't heard from anybody at ITAs, which I've pretty much given up on now. And almost every show that Omaha Community Playhouse does conflicts with something important in my life (i.e., my dad's wedding in February), so I can't audition for their stuff. Eight weeks of nothing but theatre would help me stay on top of my game.

So I emailed Jim, and he told me he's put my name in the casting pool.

Last night, my friend Lauren took me to see Lady Gaga and it honestly felt like a religious experience for me. Three times during her show I nearly bawled like a baby because it was so powerful and inspiring. I thought, "God. I wish I had the opportunity right now to pour my heart and soul into my art like she does."

So today I checked my email more times than I care to admit, waiting for an email from Jim. And 6:00 comes and... I get a rejection letter. My first one. Even in the summer when I didn't get to act at all, I still had an offer. And I honestly didn't put too much stock in thinking I'd get an offer; I understood that people they actually see audition for them would probably take precedence in the directors' minds, but it didn't stop me from feeling awful.

And I was hoping that I could take the summer to do some theatre while I also figure some more of my "future shit" out in a really positive environment around my best friends.

I'll pick myself back up. But with all of the weird shit that's been happening this week, this just kind of capped it.

Music for the Lover and the Hater

So, during my time here in Omaha I have developed some new tastes in my music. I've been listening to a lot more Elton John and a lot more old musicals, but the strange thing is, I've developed a taste in pop.

Let me clarify here. I still don't listen to the radio, I definitely still don't listen to rap, and I'm still iffy on hip-hop in general. I've just kind of started liking a few artists. It started with Gaga last year. And then I started liking Jesse McCartney and definitely Katy Perry, and I'm okay with it. Do I like everything they do? No, but that's rare for any artist I like. I'll even listen to a Bieber tune here and there (shocking, right?).

Okay, now read that last sentence again. Did you judge me just now? Because I'm pretty sure you did.

And that's the huge, huge, huge downside to this new development in taste. These artists--yes, ALL of these that I have listed here--have merit. All of them write, or at least co-write, much of their own music, all of them (except Jesse McCartney, that I know of) play instruments (Bieber plays THREE at the age of 17), they all clearly worked hard to get where they are, and continue to work their asses off... Yet I am judged almost every time I mention that I like any one of them. I mean there are some people who will agree with me on occasion, but most of the time I get the "You have really terrible taste in music" look.

Which pisses me the hell off. Because I DON'T have terrible taste in music. If I did, someone I respect would have told me by now. Know who else I've been listening to a lot of lately? Florence + the Machine, Regina Spektor, Elton John, Marina and the Diamonds, Janelle Monae, and The Von Bondies, to name a few. I have a very eclectic taste. Just because I like some pop music (not even all of the really trashy pop, just some pop) does not mean I have bad taste. And since when is pop always equivalent to terrible?

I was vilified this weekend by some kid I didn't even know just because I mentioned that I like "Firework" by Katy Perry. Have you ever listened to it? It's completely empowering! And I was told I have poor taste, because he's "a music major, so he studies it full-time." No. It doesn't mean that I have poor taste. It means that you're a pretentious asshole (who happens to be the same pretentious asshole that treated a lady friend of mine like dirt, as I learned later).

I've judged people for their taste in music before. But I think it's safe to say I've grown out of that.

Please, next time someone tells you they like an artist you don't like, don't judge them on that. Wait until you hear what ELSE they like before you say to yourself, "That person has poor taste." If the trend continues, then you can think their music choices are terrible.

Hey, it's an actual blogging-style blog post!

You know, I think I need a boyfriend.

I'm not pining because I'm lonely, don't get me wrong. I was just thinking the other night, a lot of what I haven't experienced in life that most other people my age have is due to the fact that I've never really had a relationship. (Okay, it sounds like I'm pining, but I swear I'm not so stick with me here). It was a very honest revelation, and I just wanted to say it. Or write it, whatever.

Now, on to other things.

I wonder how many people have been to every single country in the world. Probably no Americans (since we can't go to Cuba). But how cool would that be? It would take probably an entire lifetime if you wanted to really see each country--which, who freaking wouldn't?!--but to say that you have done it, and that you have experienced every culture that our planet has to offer... I mean, what kind of a person would that produce? I imagine a very wise, tolerant person would emerge. Well-learned and well-read. The person would probably end up with a very practiced, if not refined, palate. It's not something I think I could ever do, financially speaking, but it's something I wonder about.

I'd like to try to visit every country in Europe if I could. Technically I could say I already have the UK and France under my belt, but I won't. I barely even got to see London (we were only there for five hours), and the only part of France I saw was Paris. If I want France down, I think I'd have to go to wine country and see at least one French chateau. And I do want to go back to Paris so I could see a few things I didn't get to see the first time around. But forget seeing Paris, I'd love to live there. I think that might be a part of my retirement plan.

In personal news, I went to Grand Island this weekend to see my dad get married to his long-time girlfriend, Cheri. It was really nice. The wedding ceremony was very small, it lasted only 15 minutes, we got to wear jeans, and it was just a nice day with a few members of the family. I'm really, really happy for my dad.

It is a little strange to have new step-siblings. I've only met them twice now, and even though I can tell they're both really nice people, we haven't really had proper conversations with each other. We're Facebook buddies now, so hopefully that can progress a little bit. It's not something to be forced by any means, but I'd like to make sure that come Christmas-time, we'll have something to say to each other.

That's about it for now. Stay classy, San Diego.

A Love Letter (No, it's not to a person.)

So, I should maybe be blogging about how ITAs went (good) or my future plans (Chicago) or how I'm feeling right now (nervous) or what kind of woes I'm feeling (money troubles), but I'm not going to do that today. I'm going to write about something that makes me happy, that has always made me happy, and I think this is something everyone can appreciate.

Dear Musical Theatre,

I've always adored you. I really, truly have. When I was a child, you were there for me, always. I knew all of the words to The Little Mermaid, Pocahontas, Beauty and the Beast, and all of those other mezzo-soprano-animated heroines Disney pooped out through the 90s. I saw the beauty of Mary Poppins even though my mother hated the movie, and you opened my eyes to the fact that my parents were people before I existed. My dad played Will Parker in Oklahoma! when he was in high school, and my aunt Lesa was his Ado Annie (on my mom's side, don't worry, no incest here). And you brought me The Wizard of Oz, the first old movie I voluntarily sat down and watched, and to this day Judy Garland still kills me with "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." And--confession alert--I still enjoy Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, the only Andrew Lloyd Weber musical I think I could ever enjoy because it was the first show I ever saw.

Through high school, you were my dearest friend. It was easily the toughest time of my life, especially when I moved to a new school that proved to me that every cliched high school movie actually had a ground in reality, with the cruelty of the popular kids, the cliques that never tell you how to become a part of the group. But you saw me through it. Through Cole Porter, George and Ira Gershwin, Rogers and Hammerstein, Adam Guettel, and most especially Stephen Sondheim, you opened my eyes and ears to a world of art and expression.

Sure, I became a hoity-toity know-it-all about musical theatre. I might even act that way sometimes today. But I am 100% positive that I became a better person, a better performer, a better artist because of you.

I never was cast in a musical during college. I've heard rumors that I came very close my first Summer Theatre, which maybe would have changed the kind of performer I am today, the kind of college experience I would have had. Even though I've felt plenty discouraged, I'm still convinced that I will someday have a career, if only a very brief one, in musical theatre.

And despite my confidence in you... not everyone loves you. Some will say you're old hat. That you're not relevent today. That you're a lesser form of art (someone else's words, not mine). Musical theatre, don't listen. These are people speaking out of ignorance, who have clearly never seen shows like Next to Normal or Spring Awakening. These shows both have very clear, very powerful, very relevent messages that concern today's audiences and will concern audiences in the future, and believe me when I say that they aren't the only shows that do this.

I think people forget sometimes that theatre (not just musical theatre) was created as an escape. People come in, they see a story told, they relate to it, they laugh, they cry, they clap, and then they leave the theatre changed, if only for a moment. So what is it that makes you so irrelevent, but a straight play is always relevent? Nothing. Both forms of theatre are escapist forms of art, and I've begun to get increasingly irritated with the argument, "That sort of thing doesn't happen in real-life" or "I didn't like that because it wasn't real."

Well, audiences of today, I have news for you: these plays, these movies, those television shows you watch are not real. You are watching a play on reality, not a depiction of it. It's up to you to dedicate yourself to this story. It's up to you to suspend yourself from reality. And a musical just takes that suspension of reality a step farther than a straight play can go. Instead of watching people go through conflict like they would in real life (which, don't get me wrong, can be equally fantastic), you are seeing these characters truly express themselves in ways that words can't. Happy, sad, comforting, passionate performances through song and dance that take a whole new dimension of talent to perform.

Musical theatre, forget about your waning audiences. I know you're suffering through the idea that all musicals must have spectacle, that all a person needs to be cast in a show is one high note, that Broadway has become a stomping ground for American Idol has-beens. But there are talented people out there who believe in you as I do. We're here, and we understand you, through old splashy movie musicals and new, edgy works that wrench the hearts of audiences.

So if anyone ever insults you, just tell me, and I will beat them up for you. Jets-style.

Love,
Lindsay

P.S. I know this was long... but I really wanted to say everything I felt.

The Hunger Games: a clear winner

I've been reading this relatively new trilogy, The Hunger Games, this week. I'm over halfway through the second book, which I started last night, and I find myself comparing it with (of all things) Twilight.

Now, let me explain: IN NO WAY does this mean The Hunger Games is bad. In no way. The Hunger Games is excellent, very well-written, and incredibly well-paced. However, there are a few similarities in plot that I want to comment upon, in The Hunger Games' favor. I have to write them down, so I can stop reading the book and thinking, "This woman should teach Stephenie Meyer how to write." (Honestly, Twilight would be what it should be if it had been in the hands of Suzanne Collins.)

It should be reiterated that I have not finished the trilogy, so spoilers for the very ending are nowhere to be found, HOWEVER, if you plan on reading the books, please stop reading my post right now. The romance is not the sole concern of these books, but it's also not a sub-plot; it is quite important to the story. If you really want to know my thoughts, please read at least the first two books before coming back to read them. My blog post will still be here, but if you keep reading, you'll have premeditated opinions on the book. I don't want that for you. I want you to read these books, and read them with a blank slate. I don't even want you to know the plot (you don't need to, you get into the plot within a few pages).

So click the back button, or type in a new URL (preferably to Amazon.com or some other book retailer so you can purchase these fantastic, fantastic books). Your fate concerning these books is off of my conscience now.

1. Katniss and Bella are both flawed heroines. The difference is, while Bella is SO flawed that you eventually find yourself wondering how the hell you're supposed to like this girl, Katniss valiantly wins the reader's affections despite her flaws. Her stubbornness, her somewhat tunnel-visioned view of the world, rather than deter the reader from enjoying her, opens her up. She's clearly a teenager, and we see that, despite the fact that she's taken roles in her life that bump up her maturity level. And one great thing about Katniss is that while she blames herself for a lot of the problems, she's doing it rightly. It is all her fault, but instead of wallowing in self-pity, she takes action. She decides to try, even if it might be in vain, to make things better for everyone, and her sense of duty to her loved ones emerges as her eyes are opened to the world around her.

2. The love triangle is a very clear similarity between Twilight and The Hunger Games. Our heroine finds herself torn between two equally attractive men and she struggles with this conflict. In Twilight, Bella is in love with Edward immediately after she spends a few hours' time with him. Jacob comes along, flirts a bit, then tries to take Edward's place after he disappears. Boo-hoo, poor Bella wallows in her struggle between these two wonderboys.

Katniss spends most of her teenage years with her best friend, Gale. She's very clear in the beginning that they're not together romantically, but when she's thrown into the Hunger Games with Peeta, she finally begins to wonder what things would be like if she was in love with Gale. On the other hand, Peeta is very clear about his feelings for Katniss during the Games. Katniss realizes that playing up the romance is the way to get out alive, and while she does this, she finds herself not altogether opposed to Peeta, but not exactly in love with him, either. Katniss's conflict does not come from her choice between these two men, but from the ability to make a choice. A controlling government watches Peeta and Katniss together, and forces them to stay together. Katniss' inability to choose between Peeta and Gale comes from not being able to step back from the situation. She's forced to be a part of it for the sake of her family, Gale, Gale's family, and Peeta. Lives are at stake, not just Katniss' happiness.

3. Both Twilight and The Hunger Games are written in the first-person from our heroine's point of view. In both books the reader is launched straight into the story. The obvious difference? Suzanne Collins can actually write. What amazes me is that even though the romance (while a crucial part of The Hunger Games) is not the focus of the story, she is able to write the romantic feelings. Bella feels Edward's icy, stoney lips and OMG hez lyk toats hawtt n shes in luuuuv. When Katniss is kissed by Gale, there's a thrill, and we feel that thrill for Katniss. And whenever Katniss and Peeta kiss (for themselves, not just for show), there's a real sweetness to it. It's romantic, satisfying, and in both cases, even heartbreaking.

I could go on even longer about how superior The Hunger Games is (I mean, it's not even a question), but I won't. These are the main points I wanted to address. I've done so, and now I have to get back to my book.

**If you didn't listen to me, and you read this whole post without reading the books, I hope I have compelled you to read them. Please, please do. I have talked mostly about the characters and relationships, but the plot (which I have remained vague about on purpose) is really what drives the story, and it's actually pretty important and relevant to today.

A Movie Rant.

A quick preface: I am 95% accurate about my movie-enjoying experiences from the first trailer to the end credits. Whenever I see a trailer and I think it looks great, I almost always enjoy the movie. There have only been a small handful of exceptions to this tendency of mine because I normally have no problems emotionally committing to a film.

So when The Social Network came out this past October, I thought that the trailer looked okay, but I wasn't that excited to see it. And then I got onto Facebook, and everyone started to just RAVE about it. I thought, "All right, then it must be a good movie, but I'm still not that motivated to see it, so I'll wait until the DVD comes out."

And then... all of this insane Oscar buzz started surrounding it. And I usually enjoy a good Oscar contender, so I thought that perhaps the trailer misled me. So this Tuesday, when it came out on DVD, I stopped by Family Video and I rented it so I could see what all of the hullabaloo was about.

The direction was clean and precise, the screenplay was well-written, the film was well-acted, but... I didn't enjoy myself. I felt like I was watching the product of a machine, and not a human director and human screenwriter. The movie has no heart. I'm not saying "Oh, it's not heart-warming," because I fully recognize that it's not supposed to be heartwarming. But it should be in possession of heart. I should hate the characterization of Mark Zuckerberg in this film. But I didn't. In fact, I didn't feel any sympathy for any of the characters.

And more importantly, I felt absolutely ZERO satisfaction at the end of the movie. Not the Oscar kind of satisfaction, not even The Invention of Lying kind of satisfaction (you know, the kind where you think "I wouldn't give this movie any awards, but I enjoyed myself watching it"). The movie ended, and all I could think was, "The movie is over... That was it?"

I felt like I'd been had. And I honestly don't get the hype. Normally if something like this happens, I'll at least see that while I didn't enjoy it that much, the film has merit. But I don't, and I am very upset that I don't see it. Especially compared to the other contenders this year: Black Swan, The Fighter, The King's Speech, Toy Story 3 (yes, Toy Story 3)... All of them were just so. Much. Better.

I wouldn't be upset if I could understand it, but I don't. And now I'm done ranting... Unless it wins Best Picture at the Oscars. You might see another (shorter) rant then.

Ah, the joys of financial responsibility.

I've been super productive with my funds. I bought my own car insurance, paid three bills, and today I bought my plane ticket to Chicago since I got my ITA audition confirmed... and then I discovered that it's not 30 headshots and resumes I have to send in, it's 60. I've been printing my pictures off at Walgreens, buuuuut now it's too expensive. Poopy. I'll figure it out though, I always do.

Beyond the ITAs, I've been trying to financially figure some stuff out. I need to save up money, because I'd like to move out this year. But I also want to take voice lessons, and I think I need to join a gym. If I hold myself financially responsible for a gym membership, I'll go. I started using the rec center at ESU far too late, but at least I appreciate it now. I miss the option of going and running on the treadmill for a while, regardless of how the weather is.

And while right now the gym membership is a higher priority, I have already been doing stuff on my own, even if it's not running. I've been making sure to stretch every night, and do a little yoga most nights. And I can totally run when the ground's not covered in snow, I just need to buy the right layering pieces (been doing some reading on safely working out in the cold... yeah, I'm pretty knowledgeable). But I can't train my voice by myself. And while I don't think my career's going to be focused on musical theatre, I know that having a more trained voice will give me the upper hand when it comes to finding jobs. I mean, last year I was denied a summer stock opportunity because I didn't sing at the audition.

And anyway, I love singing. I mean, I love singing, and I have an awesome range. I'm not even bragging, I have a 4.5 octave range, easily. My main problem is nerves. I get nervous singing in front of even my closest friends, which is DUMB of me, I know. I think voice lessons will help with that; singing with a stranger all the time and getting the confidence from knowing that I'm using the right technique will help me overcome my fears.

The question is... Which one do I need right now? For me.

Just a few things.

Because I have a few updates, and none are related to each other, I'm going to put my thoughts into a list form.

1. In high school, I used to walk out of a movie theatre, and almost every time I did, I'd say "That's my favorite movie!" and it wouldn't be true for more than a few weeks. In college, I grew out of that, because I could no longer pinpoint one favorite movie. Instead, I made a top 5, and it hasn't really changed until this year, but those movies were never in any order anyway. A change has occurred. Ladies and gentlemen, Black Swan is now my favorite movie. It just... floored me. I've never felt more understood by a film before. I mean, I've been able to relate to films really easily, but I felt like Black Swan related to me (in an extreme form, I grant you). After it ended (and I surprised myself by this), I sobbed. I didn't cry, I mean I sobbed. If you haven't seen it, see it. ESPECIALLY if you are in the arts.

2. I say this every year, but this is the year it's going to happen because I'm not in the safety zone of college anymore, where I know I'll get cast because the directors know me and know what I can do: I'm going to lose weight this year. I need it for my health, yes, but I also need it for my career because I'm auditioning soon. And I'm doing it because I feel like it's for me now, and I feel like I have the time to devote to breaking down each day what I need to eat and what I need to do. And I have given myself a reward, which I have mentioned before: after I lose 35 pounds, I'm going to get a tattoo. It's something I want, but I don't want to get it unless I feel like I've earned it. I know not everyone likes tattoos. I don't like a lot of them, either. But I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I want to do it, and I know what I'm going to get, and it's going to be nice and small.

3. Even if I audition for ITAs in January and don't get anything, I think I'm going to move away from Omaha this year. Most likely it'll be to Chicago. If I don't get an acting job, I can more than likely transfer to another Banana Republic or a Gap store up there. I really need to be out of the safety net of my mom's house. I kind of hope I can live on my own, because I think I need it. Being responsible for myself will help me handle my money better and I'll more than likely clean a lot more because there is no one else I could blame, and no one else who could clean up after me. Also... I really want some privacy. I mean real privacy. I absolutely cherish my alone time, and I don't feel I get enough of it. I don't want to live alone forever, but I kind of can't stand the thought of not living alone, at least for a little while.

4. I'm going to start buying fresh ingredients all the time. Whenever I cook, I kind of rely on what my mom has--and don't get me wrong, she buys a lot of fresh foods, but there are some things that we both kind of cheat on because it's a little easier or a little cheaper.

5. I had some awesome Christmas presents this year. And I just have to share what a couple of them were. My mom got me a set of brand-new dishes! YAY! They're pretty cool, they kind of look like mosaics, but they're not... which is great, because it means there aren't any cracks in between little shards where food can get stuck in them. I won't be able to use them for a while, but I'm excited that I won't have to worry about buying dishes (except for a few glasses and silverware) when I move.  My dad got me a new digital camera, and I am very, very happy because I've needed one for a while now. I haven't been able to take a lot of pictures yet, but I have tested it out. I love it. But the BEST present I got is my new Kindle from my older brother. I'm in love with this thing. I was a little worried that I wouldn't enjoy reading on the Kindle as much as I enjoy reading a real book, but I've found that I really don't mind it at all. It LOOKS like a real book on the screen, and it's actually a little more convenient. I don't need both hands to turn the page, which is nice for when I need a drink of water or something. Good job, family.